Happy New Year, unless you live in Samoa

It's officially 2006 in Chicago. If I were a better-organized film critic, I could give you my top and bottom ten of the year in film 2005, but since I'm not, you'll probably see those sometime in the spring. (Or if it's like last year, you'll never see the top ten at all. I flaked out a bit on that one, didn't I?)

Instead, some New Year's resolutions, some comments on the upcoming year in film, a brief look back, and some celebrities who just need to go the hell away already. What's a new year without a little negativity?

Item One: Personal New Year's Resolutions

1. Lose some weight/get back into shape. I still haven't ever hit 200 pounds, but I've been teetering dangerously close to the edge for some time now. Various half-assed "plans" to get to a gym, or obtain some piece of home exercise equipment, or whatever have fallen through, due in part to apathy, in part to cost, and in part to lack of feasibility. However, I have concocted a plan to start running again, as I did in the summer of 2002. A few reasons for this. One, running turned out to be very effective at the time (I lost 15-20 pounds in only a couple months - granted, I also went to the gym during that time, but it didn't cost me anything). Two, gym memberships are crazy expensive around here - the Y would be fairly cheap, but it's not that close. Running is, of course, free. Three, I do live right by the lakefront - there isn't a track around here that I know of offhand, but there are mile markers on the path out by the lake, and that sort of thing. That's a more interesting run than a track, anyway, even if it's slightly rougher on the knees.

Of course, it's a matter of getting into running shape. As my dad notes, the only way you can really do that is actually by running... but I'm going to start (while it's still far too cold out to run) with some strength-building exercises for the knees and back, and hopefully that helps.

2. I don't think there is a #2. I'll let you know if I think of anything else later.

Item 2: Brief 2005 Wrap-Up

The Good: I finally got a job and managed to hold it for a while - sure, for the time being it's still through the temp agency, but better than sitting at home every day unsure of how to go about looking for work, right?

The Bad: The computer going down right at Christmas time was impressively obnoxious, enough to take the top personal spot for the year.

The Ugly: The continuing campaign by ESPN's intensely irritating Scoop Jackson to simultaneously bash/mock Cubs fans and then demand that they worship the White Sox. In his wrapup of the year, Jackson finds time not only to whine that the Sox were not on the cover of Sports Illustrated the week after winning the World Series (conveniently ignoring the fact that the Sox were both on the cover after winning the second game and that they were on the cover, just not the main cover story, the issue after the Series finished), but also to state that "the slight was indicative of the way the media (and the North Side of Chicago) treated the Sox all along their improbable, impossible ride."

First of all, just because a team hasn't won a World Series in a long time does not make a title run "improbable" or "impossible" just because. They led their division wire-to-wire, won more games than any other team in the AL, and lost just one game in the playoffs. Did this really seem like a wild ride?

Second of all, I've been over this whole "who started it" thing already. It's as true now as when I said it then. Why would you think I should be rooting for the Sox? Why would you want me to? And why won't you just shut up about it already?

That's enough of that.

Item Three: A Look Ahead to the Year in Film

Kind of random, I guess, but we know me and movies.

Ten Films to Avoid Like the Plague
I can probably count the movies I'm currently anticipating on one hand. On the other hand, there are a number of movies to be wary of.

10. Manderlay
Because it comes from a director who, for all his faults, actually has some name recognition, I put this one lowest on the list. But if Dogville is anything to go by, Lars von Trier is not a fan of America, and since this one apparently involves "slavery in the 1930s South," I can only imagine. Maybe if he can actually focus his critique and make it intelligent this time... but I'm not holding my breath.

9. When a Stranger Calls/The Hills Have Eyes
I'm quite a ways from seeing every film released in 2005, but it hasn't been a great year for me so far. Maybe that's because it hasn't been a great year overall, and maybe that's because Hollywood is running out of ideas. If there isn't better proof of that than the various horror remakes - hey, I know, let's take the best movies from a genre that turns out so few of them and make them ten times worse! - I can't think of it. If The Amityville Horror and other films didn't already clue you in, here come two more.

8. Hostel/Saw III
Just what we need, more brainless gorefests. Rumor has it another Sin City is coming out too. I hope in that one, two heads get cut off and eaten by dogs! Gotta up that ante.

7. She's the Man
An updated version of Twelfth Night... starring Amanda Bynes! Uh, what? Alma's guess upon seeing the title was that this was a remake of Just One of the Guys, which would probably be better.

6. The Pink Panther
Steve Martin is funny, but this... will not be. Frankly, I'm not sure even Peter Sellers was that great in this role after the first movie or two, and we saw what happens when you try and cast someone else, Roberto Benigni. The trailer for this made me cry, as I recall.

5. The Shaggy Dog
Named after the first of a pair of Disney films even though it's really a remake of the second (that would be The Shaggy D.A., of course). Have you seen the trailer for this? Why is Tim Allen still getting work?

4. Big Momma's House 2
Enough said.

3. Garfield 2
Really enough said.

2. Scary Movie 4
Four movies in a series that was neither funny nor even remotely good from the word go? Terrific.

1. Madea's Family Reunion
Somehow Tyler Perry's narcissistic, unpleasant, overwrought film Diary of a Mad Black Woman made enough money to justify filming another of his plays. So we get more forehead-tapping "lessons," plus Perry in drag and a fatsuit vamping it up, and being neither enlightening nor funny. If you're actually anticipating the release of this one, then thanks for reading my blog, Mr. Perry.

Item Four and the Last: Celebrities Who Need to Go The Hell Away Already

In no order:

*The Simpson sisters: Jessica can't act; Ashlee can't sing. Jessica's career was prolonged by her marriage to Nick Lachey; maybe now that it's over her fame will dry up and blow away. Ashlee, at least, seems to have been reduced to a husk following the dual debacles at the Orange Bowl and on SNL. But as long as Jessica has coattails, Ashlee will never be totally gone.

*Paris Hilton: I've been sick of her ever since she showed up. Is there anything worse than someone who does absolutely nothing to be famous except turn up at parties? It's not like she's even that hot.

*Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: The latter in particular. I don't really care much about Spears one way or the other; at least she's sometimes attractive and has a shred of talent. Federline's goal in life seems to be to do as little as possible except knock up women more famous than he is, and then rap embarrassingly. The sooner they just get divorced already so he, at least, will go away, the better.

*Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: Far too famous for us to ever get rid of them, sadly. Still, we can dream. Mission: Impossible 3 might be cool because J.J. Abrams is directing and Philip Seymour Hoffman is the bad guy, but Cruise gets more irritating by the second. Holmes just seems like she's been brainwashed. Really, Scientology as a whole needs to go away. Can you think of anything that makes an attractive actress stop being hot faster, besides turning 40? (Joke!)

So, that's pretty much it for the looks back and forward. I'm sure everyone got this far, right? I'll end by promising an upcoming review for Gymkata - that is one hilarious movie, let me tell you.