Musical shares

In lieu of more sports-related whining (at least I can hang my hat for the weekend on the recent Devils return to form and City's 3-1 win in their home leg of the Manchester derby), time for a little discussion of music based on a couple recent ideas I had. Let's start with the gripes.

Five Songs That Are So Bad, Not Only Should They Never Be Played Again by Anyone Ever, but Their Artists Should Serve Time for Crimes Against Humanity

Dishonorable Mention. Northern State, "At the Party"
Truth be told, every Northern State song I've had the misfortune to hear is as bad as this one, but this is the first one and also the only title I could remember (with the assistance of Alma, who for some reason actually seems to enjoy some of them). When it comes to rap, I can't think of worse contributors to the form than white women who think they're "gangsta," and Northern State's terrible rhymes make them no exception to the rule (in particular, this song is one of those "we are [rap group X]"-style tracks that generally bore me but just make me want to cry when it's white girls embarrassing themselves). Originally this was fifth spot, but Alma reminded me of another song that I hate more, and also one that more than a handful of people will actually have heard of.

5. Joss Stone, "Fell in Love with a Boy"
There are few things I hate more than when an artist does a cover song and changes words in it, especially when it's a woman covering a song written from a male perspective. Sure, I don't expect Stone to deliver some lesbian ode to a girl, but her refusal to change more than a couple words means that she's attempting to rhyme "boy" with "world," which sounds absolutely retarded. The "Sarah says it's fine" line also makes me cringe, but then so does the whole thing; how can you take a rock song that clocks in under two minutes and drag it out with your obnoxious drone to nearly twice that length? This song oozes nothing so much as trying way too hard to earn pop-culture cred. Sadly, it seems to have worked, because people are easily fooled.

4. Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl"
Speaking of tuneless white girl rap, it's Gwen Stefani, who should get a lifetime achievement award for her contributions to the field of absolute shit for the stuff on "Love Angel Music Baby" alone. Few things are more annoying than an album meant half as shill for the artist's own product line, and the songs therein are even worse, including the abominable "Rich Girl" (which would have easily cracked this list if I weren't trying to restrict it to one track per artist), another one that violates my rules for cover songs. "Hollaback Girl" wins its place because of its automatic induction into the "songs most likely to be stumbled through by drunken 20-something women at karaoke night" Hall of Fame; also, "I don't insult people because I'm not a BITCH LIKE YOU" is such faux-girl-power cattery it's not even funny.

3. Pussycat Dolls, "Don't Cha"
What a concept. "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" Get the fuck over yourselves. The basic idea behind this song appears to be "I'm a nasty skank who will perform any sexual act without question. Jealous???" No, you wannabe whores, I am not.

2. LFO, "Summer Girls"
An absolute all-timer. The irony here is that a later LFO single, "Every Other Time," would actually make it onto my list of top five embarrassing guilty pleasures. This one, however, not only lacks the catchy melody that makes "Every Other Time" listenable, it also features some of the worst rapping - and equally painful rhyming - in music history. Plus it extols the virtues of Abercrombie & Fitch, and, well, ugh. The free-association bullshit is what makes it terrible, though; "Fell deep in love but now we ain't speakin'/Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton" just makes me want to punch something. It's like they wrote a song in which they admitted they couldn't write worth a damn.

1. Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"
I always take all-time music countdowns to task for including songs too new to have earned "classic" status, but it doesn't take a shelf life to become an anti-classic. So bad that the Onion AV Club included a shout-out in its year-end look at the music of 2005 ("Three Things to Do with a Time Machine: 1) Warn Lincoln about going to Ford's Theater. 2) Kill Hitler. 3) Prevent the Black Eyed Peas from recording 'My Humps'"), this song's lyrics - delivered by another woman clearly obsessed with her belief in her own hotness, in this case Fergie - are so bizarrely off-putting I refuse to even cite examples of them here. Put it this way: Fergie refers to the more uniquely feminine aspects of her body using terminology that I can't imagine would make anyone hot for them, even if they were particularly appealing... which I can't say they are. Add to this yet more proof of my theory that the only thing worse than a white guy who wants to be black is a white girl who wants to be black, and you have what just might be the worst song ever recorded, a track so painful it can't even deliver marginal ironic enjoyment. Sometimes I wonder if recording artists should be forced to get "music licenses" every time they record an album to prevent the release of stuff like this to the public; on the other hand, this song has been consistently among the most downloaded on iTunes for weeks if not months, so clearly the public can't make worthwhile music decisions either.

And now, the better stuff.

Five Albums You Probably Aren't Listening To, But Should Be

Bear in mind that this is only from my perspective, and I'm not going to claim that I have the same musical taste as everyone in the world. In particular, some of the stuff I like will probably sound too pedestrian or what have you for the hopelessly indie; see what I care.

5. Ben Folds, Songs for Silverman
Of the five albums, this is surely the most mainstream, but Folds has really never - and, divested of the Five, likely will never - found major commercial success. His first LP in nearly four years, Silverman finds Ben at his reflective best, including a tribute to the late Elliott Smith. Nearly as essential as the LP itself are the three EPs that preceded its release, each of them representing one sphere of the Folds oeuvre. Speed Graphic presents a look at relationship-related angst ("Protection," "Wandering," "Give Judy My Notice"); Sunny 16 offers a socially-conscious side ("There's Always Someone Cooler than You," "You've Got to Learn to Live with What You Are," "All You Can Eat"); Super D offers up a more humorous side (an amusing cover of the Darkness' "Get Your Hands Off My Woman," "Rent a Cop"). Each is as strong as the last, but in different ways. Silverman itself features what may be Folds' best solo song yet in "Landed," a wonderfully-performed tune that comes as half apology and half kiss-off to a manipulative ex.
Most vital tracks: "Landed," "Late," "Bastard"

4. The Reindeer Section, Son of Evil Reindeer
The second album from the side project brainchild of Snow Patrol frontman Gary Lightbody, Son of Evil Reindeer marks a halfway point between the second and third albums of his main group, When It's All Over We Still Have to Clear Up and 2004's superb Final Straw. Sounding quieter and more stripped-down than the lusher Final Straw, Son of Evil Reindeer nonetheless sounds more polished and more melodic than When It's All Over. Drawing in Scottish musicians of all stripes (including members of such diverse groups as Belle and Sebastian, Mogwai, and Arab Strap), Lightbody nonetheless turns in an album that is not just impressively cohesive but impressively light as well.
Most vital tracks: "Budapest," "Your Sweet Voice," "Where I Fall," "You are My Joy"

3. The Long Winters, When I Pretend to Fall
With a new EP out now and a new LP due later this year, the Long Winters are not going away anytime soon, but that's no reason to ignore their previous effort. A combination of several musical styles in one, When I Pretend to Fall features standard-sounding indie rock numbers but goes in more of a pop direction on some, while also offering hints of psychedelia ("Blanket Hog"), folk ("Cinnamon"), and even traditional dirge ("Bride and Bridle," in the tradition of songs like "Gallows Pole"). The various angles hang together well, however, and frontman John Roderick's voice is amazingly adaptable.
Most vital tracks: "Blue Diamonds," "Bride and Bridle," "Prom Night at Hater High"

2. Idlewild, The Remote Part
I was drawn to Idlewild after finding out that frontman Roddy Woomble had been one of the members of the Reindeer Section for their second album. Frequently referred to as the "Scottish R.E.M.," I don't think this is a fair description of the band; Woomble occasionally sounds a little like Stipe, but otherwise there seems to be at best a minimal resemblance. (To be fair, I am not the most familiar with R.E.M.'s full canon, but none of their hits are as hard-rock as Remote Part cuts like "A Modern Way of Letting Go" and "Out of Routine.") Woomble seems like he might take his lyrical stylings a bit too heavily at times; the Scottish poet Edwin Morgan reads a poem called "Scottish Fiction" over the final track, and one gets the sense that Woomble and company consider their lyrics on par with poetry, which is stretching it in most cases. Still, the music is not to be argued with; Idlewild put together a strong musical effort on this one, with great riffs in most songs and almost unanimously wonderful choruses that pull together even the most obtuse of the faux-poetry.
Most vital tracks: "You Held the World in Your Arms," "Tell Me Ten Words," "Live in a Hiding Place," "American English"

1. Steve Burns, Songs for Dust Mites
After he was the Blue's Clues guy, but before he disappeared off the face of the earth, Steve Burns put together a brief - and hopefully just stagnant at the moment - career as a musician. The album he released with help from the Flaming Lips, Songs for Dust Mites, was regrettably largely ignored; many people seemed insistent on not taking him seriously because of Blue's Clues, and the rest didn't listen in the first place. It's too bad, because the album is really very solid indeed. Burns opens with "Mighty Little Man," a sturdy rocker that could have held its own on the radio, before following with more stripped-down, quiet-indie-pop tunes like "What I Do on Saturday," "Maintain," and "> 1." The anthemic rock returns later with tracks like "Troposphere" and "A Song for Dustmites," and a few other sounds creep in like the more experimental hush-rock of "Stick Around." Ultimately, Dust Mites might have done better if Burns could have settled on a single style, but since when are most people that picky? He combines things fairly well here, and I don't think there's a true clunker anywhere on the album, a more than impressive feat for a guy who is still known best for his polo shirt. This is one we definitely need more people to hear and buy (you can't even get any of the tracks via iTunes, a shocking oversight); I know from the concert I attended that Burns has more music worth getting out there, but Dust Mites' sales being what they were, we may never hear any of it.
Most vital tracks: "Mighty Little Man," "Troposphere," "A Song for Dustmites"