Are you familiar with the "Pet Dinosaur" line of gummy candy? I suspect they only sell it at history museums, though I had seen its brethren - like "Gummi Pet Rat" - before in real candy stores. At any rate, what compelled me most to shell out $1.25 for "Terry Pteranodon" was the set of "Care and Handling Instructions" on the back.
1. Don't be afraid to hold your gummi dinosaur, since this one is an edible creature. It won't bite you!
2. Do not leave your new friend on the dashboard, or it will melt!
I'm a particular fan of that one. Of all the warm places a kid might leave a piece of candy, does "the dashboard" really seem like the likeliest of them to you?
3. If you and your Pet Dinosaur become "real pals," buy another one to eat!
I also like that. The quotation marks are theirs, needless to say. Don't you think someone who could become "real pals" with gummi candy would probably become "real pals" with any gummi candy he came across? I suspect this is how the show "Gummi Bears" was conceived; some quietly loony writer was playing with a bag of candy he'd brought home and figured "Why couldn't my new friends have adventures?"
4. Flavors may include two or more of the following: Cherry, Lemon, Tangerine, and Lime.
Is this really a "Care and Handling Instruction?" I ask you.
So that was pretty funny, right? Drew thought so, anyway. He was so amused by it that when he was in New York this past weekend and went to that same museum, he thought he would bring me back one. Then he gave in and ate it. Then he thought he would quiz me on what candy he had purchased and nearly returned to me, except the return trip left him tired enough for the following slip:
Me (after failing to guess): "Okay, give me another clue."
Drew: "Do you want a good clue or an obvious clue?"
Me: "A good clue."
Drew: "Okay. The place where you got this gummy dinosaur is notable because..."
Me: "So, it's a gummy dinosaur?"
Drew: "...what did I say?"
Me: *laughing uproariously*
Of course, I had to check the care and handling instructions. Someone at Jelly Belly must be reading my site, because they were notably less ridiculous, though still funny.
1. Handling - Don't be afraid to hold your Pet Dinosaur™, it's been trained to not bite. Your Pet Dinosaur has a very thin coat of oil to keep it shiny and from getting sticky, so be careful not to let it slip out of your hands.
This one was never the funniest to begin with, but I like that they managed to add a split infinitive in there. (Normally Drew is the stickler for this, not me, but I was reading it out loud and "to not bite" sounds pretty bad.) It's also hilarious that they talk about the "thin coat of oil" that gummy candy invariably has.
2. Housing - Pet Dinosaurs like cool, dry places. Too much heat will cause them to melt, so don't leave your Pet Dinosaur out in the sun!
What, the dashboard isn't a viable place to keep your candy anymore?
3. Feeding - For the best flavor, eat your Pet Dinosaur immediately. If you and your Pet Dinosaur become pals, buy another one to eat!
Last time there were no instructions for how soon to devour the candy. "Immediately!" Maybe they're hoping the kid will wolf it down right there in the shop and demand that Mommy buy them another. I also think it's funny that that section is titled "Feeding," since you'd think that would tell you what to feed your pet. To Jelly Belly's credit, I'm pretty sure they know this and were making a clever pun. That said, they still fail to recognize that anyone becoming "pals" (though sadly not "real pals") with a piece of candy probably isn't going to eat the next one either.
4. Collecting - Want to add to your Pet Dinosaur collection? A variety of Pet Dinosaur species are available... Collect them all.
I truncated the middle and end here because it's just shilling for their other products. Once again, is this really a care and handling instruction? It's also funny that they tell you to eat them immediately but then suggest you "collect them all." Collect them where, in my colon?
For the last word on this, we turn again to Drew, who when he saw that I was building an entry out of this commented, "Well, I'm glad I brought you back something of use. It's nice to know that I only needed the wrapper."
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