In his latest brilliant creation, Scoop takes time out from his usual shitty writing to explain how being a shitty writer enabled him to spend a day doing something that sounds cool (although in fact, it was just a big marketing blitz, which Scoop is either falling for or shamelessly going along with). Basically, he's bragging about how awesome it is to be a nationally-known writer. Which for some reason he is. I mean, this guy must have written well at some point, right?
Ever think that, one day in your life, you'd get a phone call and someone would request your presence at a once-in-a-lifetime event? Something that every sports fan, basketball fiend, kid from the 'hood, child of God, wished they could experience?
Ever think that, just a few days later. you'd be in a hotel lobby (W) in your home city, standing side-by-side with so many iconic figures in the world of urban journalism: Bobbito Garcia (Bounce), Tony Gervino (Antenna), Datwon Thomas (King), "Hawaii" Mike Salman (LTD), Jay Corbin (Rise), Ben Osborne (Slam), Steve Mullholand (Sole Collector), Memsor Kamarake (Vibe), the ridiculously attractive representative Smokey Fontaine sent over (Laura Fernandes, sportswear and entertainment manager, Giant). All waiting to get on a bus? At 10 in the morning?
I love the name-dropping here. I'm white, of course, but I've heard of basically none of these people and few of the publications. I also love how he manages to work in the fact that one of the women there was attractive (no!) and also says "10 in the morning" as though it were the crack of dawn. We're already off to a great, great start.
I'm going to skip ahead because every single paragraph is a big "Ever think?" question, each more obnoxious than the last. Ever think you'd see a supposedly serious journalist write an article with a gimmick so stupid it wouldn't even fly in an average college application essay?
Ever think that you'd get to spend an hour with Michael Jordan talking about shoes? Not interviewing him, but talking with him? Talking about his life in those shoes? And at the same time, Tinker is talking to you, lending you insight into the craft. Then a shoe is unveiled. Then you are reminded of the embargo you signed before you entered. That nothing said, heard or seen leaves this arena. Ever think you'd be one of only 28 people invited to see the new Air Jordan XX3s?
Looks like Scoop broke that embargo. As though Nike cares - "Oh no! Scoop Jackson is writing a retarded column that's building up hype for the new Air Jordans! Shut that guy down right now!" Do you think Scoop even realizes that the whole thing was clearly just part of a big publicity push, and that all these influential urban writers were expected to remember the great experience they had and talk up the shoes as a result? "Man, the Air Jordan XX3s - those are some great shoes!" Of course, Air Jordans symbolize pretty much everything that's wrong with the urban basketball culture - the triple-digit sneakers that exist primarily as status symbols, kids buying them who really can't afford to, the associated flash and me-first culture that's doing its damnedest to stifle the modern NBA. I would think Scoop Jackson - who practically doubles down on the race card - might not think Air Jordans were the greatest thing in the world. But of course, Scoop Jackson has certain reasons to like Air Jordans.
Ever think that, like Jordan after a game, you'd have a hot milk and almond pedicure prepared for you in the W at Bliss by Eboni? Ever think you'd have chill-out time after the pampering -- to do an interview, relax in rooms with mink pillows, then sit at the bar and have in-depth conversations with media luminaries like Ric Bucher and Otto Strong of ESPN The Magazine? Ever think that, everywhere you went that day, people would treat you like you were Him? That you'd have dinner at his restaurant (One Sixty Blue) with Jordan? That he'd come down from his private room, buy everyone a drink and thank us for coming, and say that he hoped we enjoyed "his experience"?
Fuck yourself, dude. Seriously. You are an ass. This is the least subtle "bragging about the perks that come with being semi-famous" piece of bullshit I have ever seen in my life. Mink pillows! A milk-and-almond pedicure! First of all, is this the Jordan Experience or the Oprah Experience? Second of all, stop bragging, you dick. You got this stuff because you're a writer who could be counted on - clearly - to fawn over Jordan and his product. It's not like you won a raffle.
Ever think that you'd be given the opportunity to be Michael Jordan for a day? Ever think that, in your lifetime, any of this could happen to you?
Neither did I.
"And between me and whoever's reading this, I'm the only one it did and will ever happen to! Suck on it!" Can you believe this was published? Can you believe the ESPN.com editors read it and said, "Yeah, that looks like a worthwhile use of column inches?" It's one of the most embarrassing things I've ever read. I'd feel sorry for Jackson if I didn't already think he was such a waste of space. Somewhere out there is a talented sportswriter who's never going to get a job because Scoop Fucking Jackson is chewing up a slot at ESPN with this garbage.
The great Fire Joe Morgan has a hilarious dissection of another Scoop anti-masterpiece. And in case you want to remember why I hate this idiot in the first place, read his blithering column from October 27, 2005, in which he not only calls Cubs fans racists, as I've mentioned, but suggests that Sox fans are the only "real" Chicago baseball fans (all 17 of them?). Nothing I've read before or since has come close to being so offensive, so shockingly uninformed (as though thousands of people didn't jump on the White Sox wagon in '05), or so generally stupid. Why does this guy have a job? What is he contributing? Granted, it's worthwhile to have different voices in a discussion, and Scoop certainly represents black culture in a way the vast majority of sportswriters don't. But there isn't anyone out there who could do the same while putting together articles that look like they were written by someone who had at least been to college? (I assume Scoop has a college degree, but it's not like you can tell.) I'll tell you this: Scoop Jackson has given me a real appreciation for Jason Whitlock. And that's saying something.
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