The Blak School

As you may have seen, Coke has this new product called "Coca-Cola Blãk" (I don't know if that letter will show up properly on your screen or not. Originally I thought the line over the A was a straight line, which would actually make the phonetic pronunciation "Blake," but it turns out, having looked at the bottle up close, that it's Coke's trademark dynamic ribbon). It bills itself as "Coke effervescence, coffee essence," or something like that. Alma knew I had to try it, so she picked up a package and gave me a bottle.

Never in my life, that I can recall, have I had such a wildly mixed reaction to a soda. First of all, let the record show that I went in expecting to hate the stuff. I mean, coffee cola? I think there's a reason that Pepsi Kona can't be found in every corner store. But my reaction actually went something like this:

"Hmm... this doesn't taste terrible... sort of like caramel... I really don't want to drink any more."

Zero to repulsed in 4.6 seconds? It tastes sort of like a caramel Frappuccino or something, but the key problem is that "Coke effervescence" they brag so much about. While it doesn't make me want to gag like Jones sodas or Splenda-infused abominations, I don't think there has ever been a less chuggable soda in wide American release. You want to nurse it like a hot coffee. (Also, the aroma emanating from the bottle? Not the greatest.) The fizz bothers me, and I think the aspartame probably does too; I wouldn't want to put NutraSweet in my coffee, so why would I want to drink this? The recent trend towards cutting calories by going dutch between sugar and sweeteners bugs me; using sugar enables companies to avoid using the dreaded "Diet," while throwing in some Splenda (as the unfortunately repulsive Jones Twisted Lime does) enables them to keep calories down and also make sure that I will find their products wholly undrinkable.

I guess that, once again, I really find myself confused about who this is being marketed to, which seems to happen with most new soda flavors. I mean, if you like coffee, you're going to drink coffee, not some half-assed C2 relative that tastes vaguely like a latte. And if you're the sort of person who gets their caffeine fix from Coke, it's probably because you didn't like the taste of coffee to begin with. What's more, I see no evidence that Coke Blak has any more caffeine than regular Coke. So I'm going to drink this instead of coffee because it has less caffeine and doesn't taste as good? Sold!

Coffee cola has proven somewhat popular in certain other countries, but then again, guarana-flavored sodas are all the rage in Brazil and that's not exactly the world's sweetest fruit. My suspicion is that here in America, we just like our pop far too sweet - whether sugary or "sweetened" - to put up with something like this. And just as Pepsi Kona hit the skids after some unsuccessful test-marketing, I'm guessing Coke Blak will ultimately not be around for that long.