Watch it, Coney

Alma has a box of Joy waffle bowls that she got for ice cream (obviously). Now, yes, waffle bowls are fun to eat ice cream out of, but I think the people at Joy are a little full of themselves when it comes to their product. Don't believe me? Let's check the side of the box.

Before we get into the text (which I'm sure you can't read, which is why it's reprinted below), let me just say that I love the royal parchment letterhead on which it appears. "Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye Olde Joy Cone Company has issued the following proclamation about their waffle bowls and the methods in which thou might useth them!"

Joy® Presents
The Perfect Waffle Bowl

All right, Joy. First of all, nobody's perfect. Second of all, it's a freaking waffle bowl. But let's see where you're going with this.

Compare our waffle bowl to other waffle bowls –
* Compare the flavor – ours is the best!
* Compare the shape – ours is perfect!
* Compare the size – ours is twice as large so it holds twice as much!

Nice math on that last one. Wow, 2 = 2? You've shown me the light! I'm going to skip over the flavor one, because Joy's website actually implies that there are independent flavor-testing panels that rate Joy cones above all other cones, regardless of how silly that sounds to the casual observer. I do have to wonder about the second part, though. Is "perfect shape" really what anyone asks from a waffle bowl? As Alma noted, part of the charm of the waffle bowls you find at ice cream parlors is the crimped edge, implying that they were hand-crafted. Joy's "perfect shape" counterproductively implies a soullessness in the creation of the product that I can't imagine provides that much of an attraction. Frankly, I can't recall seeing too many waffle bowls on the shelves at all, so I'm guessing that Joy doesn't have as much competition in the retail department as it might like to think.

Give us a try. Our waffle bowl is a sweet treat, so it tastes best with foods that complement the sweetness.

Well, there goes my idea to fill it with chili. Must you dump all over my dreams, Joy?

You'll see some yummy ways to try our waffle bowls on the sides of this package.

I don't know anyone who has ever eaten anything but ice cream from a waffle bowl. Unsurprisingly, two of the other three sides of the package do in fact picture ice cream. The third pictures a cartoon child gesturing at a surprisingly robust fruit salad, which by my count contains at least six different kinds of fruit.

My question is, if you've gone to the trouble of getting yourself a healthy dessert, why do you want to crap up that endeavor by putting it into a waffle bowl? (Granted, the waffle bowl is hardly the worst thing ever, at just 80 calories, but it's certainly greater than the zero of using a real bowl. After all, if you're not going to eat the waffle bowl, there's no reason to use one at all.)

For other delicious combinations, try the following:

* Vanilla yogurt and granola cereal.

* Your favorite fruit slices and your favorite yogurt flavor.

Wait a second, Joy: I thought you were going to come up with the ideas! Now all of a sudden I'm called upon to do the legwork? Come on, it can't be that hard to think up a popular fruit and type of yogurt.

* Create sundaes limited only by your imagination.

Let's hope my imagination isn't as limited as this copywriter's.

* For parties (children and adults alike), put out a variety of ice cream, toppings, fruits, nuts, you get the idea, and let everyone make their own dessert.

The strangely jocular familiarity (to say nothing of the egregious grammatical error) implied in "you get the idea" weirds me out a little bit. Also, I'm fairly certain that you've already named everything that could possibly be associated with ice cream, so what is even left unspoken by "you get the idea?" This doesn't even touch on the idea that fruits and nuts are types of toppings. They go off on this list, end it with "you get the idea," ha-ha implying all the myriad things you could put on your ice cream, but they totally gerrymandered the list to make it look more impressive. I'm on to you, bastards.

* Pudding topped with whipped cream and shaved chocolate.

Finally, something novel. I probably would have put this earlier on the list, because I think devotees of waffle-cone-box recipe hints would probably have wandered away before this point, having been told several times in a row, "Eh, come up with it yourselves."

For additional recipe ideas, visit our web site at http://www.joycone.com

"Additional" recipe ideas? What on earth else can you even do with a waffle bowl? A quick check of the website confirms: not very much. I'm glad they actually went to the trouble of suggesting types of ice cream you could put into the bowl, rather than informing you curtly that any sundaes are required to be the products of your imagination, but negative a million points for ending every recipe with "EnJOY." Hey, also prepare to be BOWLed over by the taste! Ha ha! You see what I did there? It's like, part of the product name!

The "make-ahead" preparations are also rather hilarious. This isn't like a real recipe where you'll need to let the Andes mints marinate overnight. "Chop Andes mints, saving some for garnish. Clean/dry fresh mint. (Be sure to do this at least two hours in advance, because all that work is going to tire you out, and you'll need some time to recuperate before preparation of the sundae can commence in earnest.)"

I was going to conclude this post with a note about how the small print on the box describes the company as "independent" and "partly family-owned," and give them a break because maybe they do a lot of the box design and/or promotion themselves. But the same small print also refers to "the art of cone baking." Calm the fuck down, you guys.