I never doubted that you were a lady, sir

Cheat Commandos Tournament

Semifinal Results

#5 Reynold def. #1 Gunhaver, 5-0

#3 Fightgar def. #7 Reinforcements, 3-2

Final Matchup

#3 Fightgar vs. #5 Reynold

Am I correct in assuming that Reynold has made it this far because he's the character with which most of us most closely identify? Sure seems that way. Fightgar may be a closet wuss, but he spends a lot of time picking on Reynold, calling him "Reynolda" in Shopping for Danger (after laughing at the idea of Reynold coming on the mission) and noting that the bad language in "Pony Fights 2" might give Reynold nightmares in Commandos in the Classroom. So does Reynold roll again? Vote by Monday night to find out!

And they wonder why we don't play ACF

We went to the Trash tournament that followed the ACF-style Chicago Open today. It was supposed to be like "Trash written like ACF questions," and if you ask me, it proved why there is generally so little overlap in the two communities and why this doesn't figure to change anytime soon.

First, the good:

* Things generally ran pretty quickly, although there was a sizable post-lunch delay while playoff brackets were worked out, I think because there were some computer issues.

* It's a good time playing with an Alma/Colby/Tyler team.

* The questions weren't too bad.

And the bad:

* The places where the questions were bad, however, they were pretty bad. It was more just that the overall style was problematic; you could see the places where the writers had limited knowledge. Pretty much every sports tossup went one of two ways:

"Drafted by team, he was traded to other team for some guys. Later he was traded to another team for some other guys. But you would know him mostly from this one team, and here's the really famous thing he did."

or:

"In year, this player had these stats. Later he had these stats. Drafted out of college, he had these stats in his rookie year, and then later he was traded, after which he had these stats."

Just very cookie-cutter, and not indicative of knowing anything about sports beyond how to access baseball-reference.com. In fact, a lot of questions in general seemed to go like this; just a ton of dull listing, and unless you happen to know some guy's batting average in a given year or the eighth track on a band's fifth album, or an actor's bit part from a mid-90s film you've barely heard of, you're going to be doing a lot of sitting until the giveaway rolls around. Is this really how ACF works normally? Why bother having eight-line tossups when the first six are so obscure that they might as well not be there? Bonuses had a similar problem; on a number of occasions we took 20 because the first part of the bonus was so vague that you could barely figure out what was going on, like "This guy played a man in a film. For ten points, name him." Then once you found out who it was, you could actually get the next two parts based on real knowledge. But overall I wasn't terribly impressed by the structure, especially considering that a large part of the reason that tournaments like this exist seems to be that ACF disdains the structure of Trash. I'll grant that Trash sometimes has awkward pyramidality, but even some questions today had certain clues come in too early, and some of the powers ran on forever, well past the point where it seemed like it was still impressive for someone to have gotten it.

* Meta-referential bullshit. I'm sure they had their reasons, whatever they may have been, but I don't think meta questions belong anywhere in any format. Maybe a not-that-helpful clue in a regular question that mentions someone offhand, okay, just for color. No more than once a round or so, though. Here, though, not only were there four or five of those in every round, but there were also various questions like "Name these hsquizbowl.org posters based on profile information" and two tossups to which the answer was Lee Henry, including the very last question of the last round, costing us a chance to tie the game (particularly since I thought it might be Henry but assumed, clearly incorrectly, that they wouldn't repeat an answer). I know this is just one tournament and not necessarily affiliated with anything, but it seems from my vague recollections of message board discussion that a lot of the ACF-related tournaments feature stuff like this, which is conspicuously absent from NAQT and TRASH. I don't understand the point of the circle-jerking, especially if these guys claim to want to be more inclusive. Attend one of these tournaments and it just seems like you're missing a big joke that half the players are in on and half couldn't care less about. It really should just be excised completely.

* This one shitty question. I just have to get this out of my system and I'll be done. There was a question in the final round that started about like so: "One thorn in his side is Jolyon Wagg, who has a habit of descending with his unruly family on Marlinspike Hall." I buzz in and say, "Captain Haddock." Neg. The answer ends up being Tintin.

Now, Tintin is not incorrect there, and of course later clues led exclusively to him. But how can you have a lead-in that not only doesn't distinguish between two main characters in a work but also points better to one when the answer ends up being the other? Wagg is always much more Haddock's nemesis in the Tintin oeuvre, particularly in - IIRC - The Calculus Affair, when Wagg and his family descend on Marlinspike when Tintin and Haddock have left the country chasing the kidnapped Professor Calculus. Marlinspike is really Haddock's mansion, after all; Tintin ends up moving in there, but Haddock really owns it.

You might argue that I just overthought this one. I would argue that it's shitty to write a question about something that punishes someone for having deeper knowledge. Can you name 100 characters from the Tintin books? Yes? Then fuck you. Can you only name Tintin? Congratulations, have these ten points. And, as noted, I would point out that Haddock was, at that point in the question, not only a perfectly acceptable answer but also a BETTER answer, and that at a tournament where there were entire bonuses on genres of music that eight people listen to, Captain Haddock doesn't seem like he should be too obscure an answer to come up.

That question virtually ended up deciding the last game (since the other team picked it up, of course, and we only lost by 40), so it annoys me much more than it would have otherwise, but ultimately I considered protesting and then decided not to because I simply didn't care enough.

And that's the ultimate lesson that I took out of today's tournament. For the first time in a long time, I didn't keep score (except the one round where I kept official score for the reader), and I didn't write down my tossups for the first time since freshman year of college. And this is the only post you're getting, rather than some big rundown. It's not that I don't still enjoy playing quiz bowl on occasion... it's just that I'm rapidly growing out of it. Alma feels the same way, and if either of us is still playing within three years, I think I'd be pretty surprised.

Rock, rock on

Cheat Commandos Tournament

Quarterfinal Results

#1 Gunhaver def. #8 Foxface, 2-1

#5 Reynold def. #13 Blue Laser Minion #2, 2-1

#3 Fightgar def. #11 Blue Laser Commander, 3-0

#7 Reinforcements def. #2 Firebert, 2-1

Semifinal Matchups

#1 Gunhaver vs. #5 Reynold

Opposites attract. Gunhaver is the alpha male leader of the group, while Reynold is the nerdy civilian contractor who's never even eaten pizza. But he knows what it looks like! Gunhaver gets to go on every mission, while Reynold - who insists he would be "a good mission... guy" - always has to stay home, though he sometimes gets into more trouble there. Not that Gunhaver is exempt from mistakes, such as wandering around in a secret desert with no trace of Blue Laser.

#3 Fightgar vs. #7 Reinforcements

Reinforcements has come pretty far for someone with one line. Fightgar may be the toughest-looking commando - seemingly designed after Rambo III - but he's kind of a wimp, as evidenced by his complaining in "Time to Break... Fast!" about being hungry and tired, and his "Gulp!" after being told to go undercover in "Shopping for Danger."

Vote in the comments widget below by Friday night.

Buy all our playsets and toys

Cheat Commandos Tournament

Round One Results

#1 Gunhaver def. #16 Mrs. Commanderson, 2-1

#8 Foxface def. #9 Flashfight, 2-1

#13 Blue Laser Minion #2 def. #4 Silent Rip, 2-1

#5 Reynold def. #12 Blue Laser Minion #1, 2-1

#11 Blue Laser Commander def. #6 Crackotage, 2-1

#3 Fightgar def. #14 Ser-g-geant Marshie, 2-1

#7 Reinforcements def. #10 Ripberger, 2-1

#2 Firebert def. #15 Blue Laser Babies, 2-1

Quarterfinal Matchups

#1 Gunhaver vs. #8 Foxface

Reynold wants to be Gunhaver so he can keep Blue Laser from stealing the Commandos' fiscal reports. "Don't make me use this gun that I have!" But he also has a crush on Foxface and her bulletproof handbag.

#5 Reynold vs. #13 Blue Laser Minion #2

It's hard to top anyone whose idea of a "cuss" is "diaper biscuits," but then there are few Cheat Commandos cartoons lines funnier than "I never doubted that you were a lady, sir. Ma'am."

#3 Fightgar vs. #11 Blue Laser Commander

These two have actually faced off at the Price Style, while Fightgar was in his old lady disguise. BLC didn't bite on the "I was just wondering if you kind sonnies knew anything about making it snow at the beach" bait - and he's also an expert at ending awkward conversations with the elderly.

#2 Firebert vs. #7 Reinforcements

Strong Bad's toy vs. Coach Z's toy. Interestingly, in the cartoons themselves they've combined for just two lines, and Firebert's was just a Cheat noise.

Vote in the comments widget below by 6 pm CDT Wednesday.

And now the reason why nobody shows up

Inspired by what I'm sure was an offhand comment from Greg in Craig's comments, prepare to be bored to tears by the large-part-of-the-audience-isolating Cheat Commandos Tournament.

Round One

#1 Gunhaver
vs.
#16 Mrs. Commanderson

Gunhaver gets the nod at #1 seed for being the leader of the commandos. Mrs. Commanderson is at #16 because she has never actually appeared in a Cheat Commandos cartoon, but rather appears with them in a Teen Girl Squad easter egg. But I needed a 16th spot.

#8 Foxface
vs.
#9 Flashfight

Foxface is the group's lone female, and Flashfight's array of medals suggests that he is the leader of the outfit... but neither has ever really been seen outside of their action figures, unless you count the time Reynold put his glasses on a mop and imagined it was Foxface asking him out.

#4 Silent Rip
vs.
#13 Blue Laser Minion #2

Which of the Blue Laser minions is this? Well, in the one episode where it's reasonably easy to tell them apart, I guess you'd say he was the one who appeared second, telling Fightgar "I never doubted you were a lady, sir." Silent Rip is the Commando with the headset, played by Homestar Runner when we first see the toys, and also the first Commando to speak in a cartoon ("Those loonies are gonna blow up the ocean!"). Plus, his name kinda sounds like a fart joke.

#5 Reynold
vs.
#12 Blue Laser Minion #1

Blue Laser Minion #1 is honest enough to admit that he looks exactly like Blue Laser Minion #2. Reynold has his own playset (his apartment), but he's also pretty embarrassing, and gets tricked into leaving the rest of the group alone in "Commandos in the Classroom."

#6 Crackotage
vs.
#11 Blue Laser Commander

Crackotage is that guy who flies that plane, and makes all the terrible rhyming jokes. Blue Laser Commander might do better at crushing the Cheat Commandos if not for all his (?) strange missteps, including cleaning the bathroom and relocating the Blue Laser base to his grandmother's yard (where he has his minions prepare hamburgers).

#3 Fightgar
vs.
#14 Ser-g-geant Marshie

A conflict in the field of breakfast cereal. Ser-g-geant Marshie appears only to have shown up on the Cheat Commandos show as a tie-in to the Cheat Commandos O's cereal, which features Fluffy Puff marshmallows, and even then, Gunhaver thinks he's a flying cotton ball. Fightgar is good with old lady disguises and wearing ammunition, but he's also the only one who thinks to point out - and does so right on the box - that "these aren't O's!" Fightgar also gets blown up for imagining the Blue Laser minions as slices of pizza during Commandos in the Classroom, one of that cartoon's biggest laughs.

#7 Reinforcements
vs.
#10 Ripberger

Poor Coach Z. He's the one who bought the Reinforcements action figure, and then the guy never shows up again - except late in Commandos in the Classroom, when he gets his only real line: "Hey guys." He is the owner of the Justice Rocket Backpack Rocket Rocket, though it has primarily been seen being misused by Reynold in "Shopping for Danger." Still, he's better off than Ripberger, the one who looks like a ninja except that his outfit is all red, who hasn't shown up at all.

#2 Firebert
vs.
#15 Blue Laser Babies

There's not much to say about the Twins, who have one scene and one line each ("oo-waah"). Firebert was the original Cheat Commando, as the Cheat dressed up in the Strong Bad e-mail "army" and insisted that Strong Bad call him "Firebert." However, as both Strong Bad and Gunhaver have pointed out, Firebert isn't a good commando name.

Vote in the comments widget below by 6 pm CDT Monday! Results will be posted Monday night.

A whale of a trip

Karen (Drew's girlfriend) and I are both from the New York area, and so we both grew up with pretty much one name in the ice cream business: Carvel. Around here, people know Carvel pretty much exclusively as Those Cakes You Can Get at Jewel. Recently, I discovered that there was a single Carvel in Illinois - just one! Of course, one's opening soon in Wilmette, supposedly, and of course that's way, way closer than the actual one - which is out in the middle of exurban nowhere, Geneva, Illinois. Alma, Drew, Karen and I headed out there today, and it took a long, long time. To give you an idea of how far this was (40+ miles): we had to get onto I-90 W, take that out to near O'Hare and get onto 294 S, take that to 290 W for about 8 seconds, then get off onto North Avenue... and then take that west for something like another 30 minutes. It was kind of ridiculous. To put it in another perspective, we drove through three counties - Cook, DuPage, and finally Kane - to get to Geneva, and even crossed the Fox River in St. Charles. This was way the crap out there.

To make it worth the trip, I had both the My Mom Got This Every Single Time We Went to Carvel Special (vanilla soft serve with chocolate sprinkles) and a Flying Saucer. Drew and Karen joked (I think) about opening up their own franchise. Fudgie the Whale was in the house, but, sadly, Cookie Puss did not put in an appearance.

On the way back, we stopped at a mini golf course in West Chicago, because if you're going to drive 80 miles round trip for freaking ice cream, you might as well play some mini golf and make it worth the trip. Long story short: Drew won when I bogeyed the last two holes. Drew had two holes-in-one and Alma had one. The par was ridiculously low. Details can be found on the mini golf page, because I know you're all itching to read them.

We finished the "Hey, This Turned into a Double Date!" day with a nice dinner at Blind Faith. I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the teriyaki grilled tofu, and I found - to my amazement - that the Blind Faith salsa is remarkably similar to the Toro Loco salsa (if perhaps a bit spicier). I subsequently found out that Blind Faith sells not only their salsa but their salad dressings - including their vinaigrette, which I have previously declared one of my favorites - by the half pint. I got a half pint of each after picking my jaw up off the floor. I'm pretty sure the waitress thinks I'm a crazy man.

All in all, an amazingly packed weekend (though technically it contained three days, and if Friday had been Saturday then today probably would not have happened). I haven't had a weekend that packed that didn't have a connection to something related to school (quiz bowl, WNUR) since... I don't even know. Probably some family vacation back during high school. I think I need to have more fun more often.

Not starring John Wayne and Henry Fonda

Friday was one of the longest days, at least in terms of how it felt, I've had in a long, long time. I took the day off from work so that I could go to a party in Wisconsin with Alma. Let's get to the action:

10am: I wake up a little later than planned. Quick shower.

10:30am: On the road to Milwaukee, with Alma driving. She plans to see if one of her colleagues can offer us a ride so we don't have to drive the whole way to the lake where the party is taking place.

12:00pm: We arrive and go over to her workplace. People are still to drive up, but the distance to the lake isn't as far as we thought, plus I point out that it's usually easier not to have to rely on someone else's schedule. We decide to drive up ourselves and I take the wheel.

1:00pm: We arrive at the lake and take the short boat ride over to the island where the party is taking place.

It was a really fun time. I don't usually get to do this kind of outdoor stuff, and I really made it count. They had a paddleboat that two people could get in and pedal around, and a kayak. Alma and I took two spins in the paddleboat, one a brief trip to and from the nearest island, and the second a longer trip around the island we were on (which, while not gigantic or anything, was easily the largest island in the lake). I also made the same two trips in the kayak, giving me a pretty decent workout for both my legs and my arms. (I'm just guesstimating, since I can't zoom in close enough in Google Maps, but I probably did around a mile in both the paddleboat and the kayak.) The kayak, which at first I was a little nervous about because I wasn't sure I would have any idea how to do it, was amazing. I spent the entire trip around the island mostly thinking, "Holy crap, this is so fun" and "I should totally do this more." Alma says you can take kayak lessons in Skokie (on the Chicago River itself), so that may be something we pursue. We also did a little bit of wading/swimming, but the lake was pretty green and murky so it was a lot more fun to be on than in.

I slathered on the sunblock, of course, as I hadn't spent this much time outside at the height of the day in a while. At one point, I swore I could actually feel the skin on the back of my neck burning - however, taking a look at myself after getting home, it was clear I hadn't taken on any significant color. I do think I burned the top of my head a little bit, though; it's hard to get sunblock on that skin because of all the hair, and yet there's not enough hair to really keep the sun totally out. Alma doesn't think it looks very red at all, but it's a bit tender to the touch. I think any future prolonged outdoor excursions will have to involve a hat.

There was also plenty of food and conversation to be had, so it was a good time all around. Eventually we decided to head back to the mainland. Astonishingly, we ended up only spending about five hours on the island, but it really felt like a full day's worth of activity - and indeed, when you compare it to most of my full days, it was at least that much and really a lot more.

6:00pm: Was the day over yet? Not by a long shot. We left the lake and headed back for Illinois.

7:00pm: Driving back down I-94, we decide that we might as well stop at the Mars Cheese Castle, just to see what the deal is. In a word: disappointing. They do have a lot of cheese, but honestly, they have just as much non-cheese food and an entire section just of Wisconsin-themed tchotchkes. Cheese is expensive, so we ended up not buying anything. Three highlights, though:

1. Wandering into one section of the Castle, Alma asks, "Why does it smell like cheese over here?"

2. Right as we arrived, a bus arrived to let off 50+ elderly people. Apparently the Mars Cheese Castle is an intriguing tourist destination even though it's really just a big store. (They supposedly have an art gallery, but I didn't see anywhere it could have been while in the place.)

3. On the way out, two women stop us to have their picture taken with the "Mars" sign on the side of the building. Clearly they had not been inside yet. Seriously, I was expecting a lot more.

7:30pm: We suddenly realize that one of our last unexplored mini golf courses north of Chicago - Kenosha's Congo River Adventure Golf - is on the frontage road just as we get back onto 94 after getting gas. We immediately turn around at the next exit and go back to play some mini golf.

The Congo River is a decent course. It's not mind-blowing enough to justify driving all the way up there under any other circumstances, I think, but it's very playable and has a reasonable par of 45. I put together a round of 38, my lowest score in relation to par since I started keeping track of mini golf scores, while Alma shot a very respectable 53 that included three holes-in-one (I added two more for an astonishing total of five). Her score would have been better if not for a 6 on the 15th hole, which was a par 2 that featured an awkward uphill shot around a jutting "rock." Her first three tries came back, and the fourth bounced past her and all the way down the slope behind the start of the hole, nearly into the parking area. It was a pretty steep slope, too, but I went down and got the ball with no problems. (Alma: "Ball is in parking lot. Would you like to play again?") Thank goodness there was no one close behind us. If you want to see what each hole looks like, click here for their virtual tour.

8:00pm: Back on the road.

8:30pm: Dinner at Chili's.

10:15pm: Finally back.

When you consider how full this day seemed - and was - it's mind-blowing (at least, it was to me) to think that the whole thing took just twelve hours. It felt like an entire weekend, and it wasn't even Saturday yet! Alma declared this our replacement 2.5-year semiversary weekend, since we didn't actually get the chance to do too much last weekend. It made sense to me. A long, perfect day of nothing but having fun with the woman I love. I couldn't ask for any more than that for an anniversary present.